He held the gun straight to his head as he stared at himself in the mirror. He was scared of closing his eyes because then he’d not only remember, but also see vividly the life he never wanted-his own. He swallowed hard, and cocked the gun. He took a deep breath and realized he had stopped breathing for a second. His hands were shaking uncontrollably. He wants to take his own life, but he was scared. He felt like there is no other way out. Everything was not the same. He watched as his world spun out of control and crumbled piece by piece under his feet. The one piece left for him to stand on was that of misery and loneliness. One where he only felt worthless in this world.
He screamed and punched the mirror till every piece was misplaced on the floor. Blood flowed from his knuckles, but he didn’t feel the pain. He breathed heavily now. The hand that held the gun was no longer shaking. He finally closed his eyes, and tears of anger started to fall.
As a child, he was abused by his father, and his mother was too drunk to notice. Every friend he made ran away from his side when they knew the truth behind his mask. He had his own demons to fight, and his closest friends were nowhere to be found. He resided only to himself. He stayed the nights out on the streets in search of food, or water. A friend in a stranger. He looked for something that could make him feel alive for once. He tried to stay away from home as late as possible, well not that his parents noticed anyway. He didn’t want to come home to a mother wasted on the couch, or a father who spared not a bone in his body. They were all better off distant from one another.
He never found the warmth he so longed for. He never found this shoulder to lean on. He can’t remember a childhood in his mother’s arms, or throwing a ball around with his father. He doesn’t remember the last time he heard his own laugh. He sighed heavily, and finally opened his eyes. It was still just as dark. His days never got better. He remembered when his mother died, no one was there. When his father finally walked out on him, no one was there either. So, he went from home to home, where no one noticed if he came back late, or even at all. He got used to feeling so invisible.
Eventually, he decided to end it all. He wanted to silence his demons. He knew if he fell for drugs, his demons will take over. If he resided to self-harm, pain will still exist. So he went to get his father’s old gun that he left behind. If he pulled the trigger, the demons will finally go mute, and the pain won’t last a second. No one will miss him. No one will notice his doing until they heard the gunshot. Still, he waited, and waited for someone to come to his rescue-for someone to tell him he’s worth this life, but no one came. His blood was dripping from one hand, and the gun was still held in the other.
He was confused. He was scared. He didn’t know what to do. Tears were still flowing down his face, and this time not with anger, or fear, but with self-pity and desire for warmth. He wanted to emancipate himself from all of this.
He took a deep breath with a finger on the trigger. He counted till three. Boom. A gunshot was heard. He fell to his knees. He couldn’t do it. He only shot what remained of the broken mirror. He shot the last of his reflection. He ran out of the room, and into the garage. He took out the gasoline and started pouring it everywhere in the house. He took out a lighter from one of the drawers, and set every room on fire, and ran out of the house he could never call home. What had brought him back here to this place that he’d abandoned the moment his father walked out? Self-pity? Some kind of reconnection? He stood at a distance from the house and watched as it all went up in flames. He turned his back and said “Good bye old self, I hope we never meet again.” He kept on walking, and for the first time with a smile.
Note: Well finally, here’s a long post you guys can enjoy! To be honest, i don’t even know where all that came from, and how i ended up writing it, but i do hope you like it! Thank you for being patient with me!